How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
