Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
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She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
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I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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