i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
