By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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