Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
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