I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
