So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
