Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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