My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
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were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
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I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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