I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
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What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
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I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize