Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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