did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
