think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
