I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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