I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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