is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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