He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle