I'm being pulled over???
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad