There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
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dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
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Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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