i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
