Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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