im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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