I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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