Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
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He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
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I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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