In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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