I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
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Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
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He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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