Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night