She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
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Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
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you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?