yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He shit in the fireplace
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.