Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today