I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
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worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
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He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5