Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.