She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?