why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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