please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
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All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
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He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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