who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
