Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
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answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
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I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.