3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.