i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
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why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
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An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass