Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
