tell your sister to shave her snatch
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
