this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do