Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
