when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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