She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize