I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
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I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
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I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room