after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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