somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
