3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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