Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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