I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
