Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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