im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
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She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
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I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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