I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
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these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
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He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.