I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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