Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
