You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
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Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
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I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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