goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
