My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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